Chip Review #2

photo(4)Japanese really like to individually wrap everything. It’s like they think everything is a fucking condom. What’s with the Japanese psyche that makes them do that?These crackers come in a bag all individually wrapped. I guess it makes each cracker special. (But we know that’s not true right poc, wink wink) They wrap wrappers. Hey, Japan don’t you even know what a carbon footprint is! Gosh! Do I even know what the extent of the Empire of the Sun is? Darn! I have been learning this lesson for years. But you gotta separate the people from the government right? Unless you get mad at the people for not standing up to the government and being like “psst, please knock that shit off government”.

One day I was at a May Day rally in Seattle. It was like 2006 or something. Whichever one where there was like tens of thousands of people clogging the street. It had to do with a big immigrant rights focus that year. It was amazing. I forget how great it feels to be part of a mob of people taking the streets over because injustice exists. At the end of this march we are downtown like by Seattle Center and we come up on some commotion. People are getting heated, yelling across the street at a small group of people who are being guarded by police. Here you are correct to assume that these people are espousers of hate speech because that’s generally the only people who get superb police protection in these instances. Upon closer investigation I see the small group of people with signs. The signs say things like, Illegal Aliens are murderers and have pictures of brown peoples faces saying they killed children and some other stuff I won’t try to remember. Suffice to say it was ugly. The people are all white. They’re all young. And they all kinda look like coffee house hipster folks. They’re like the new cool generation of white supremacy. Re-marketed for the liberals of the northwest. They’re also getting berated by an increasingly large group of people from the May Day rally. And these people who are berating them, they’re all POC of course.

Naturally I feel compelled to get in the mix. The small group of white people aren’t saying anything. No responses to the people yelling at them or trying to engage them in other ways. Stone faced to the bone face. They just hold their signs with the knowledge that they are better than the nasty riff raff of color around them. The May Day people try to surround the small group and block their signs with their larger immigrant rights signs. The cops continue to push people back and bark noises. Finally, one of the small group of white people breaks rank and gets into a heated conversation. He can’t take it anymore. People who don’t hate the way he hates are so ignorant and he must tell them so. He goes in on some severely warped version of history and yada yada. The whole situation is becoming really dumb. In hindsight everything is 20/20, the only correct outcome would’ve been for the police to arrest themselves and the small group of white people to empty their bank accounts and give all their money to the courageous people who came out with their families to protest racist immigration policies and behaviors.

This whole time I’ve singled out a police man who is brown and Asian looking. I start talking to him about why are you defending these idiots who hate you and don’t give a shit about you. I start to explain to him how I’m part Japanese and internment camps and assimilation and Hiroshima and gooks and chinks and Vincent Chin. He does a really good job ignoring me and all the incoherent ideas I’m trying to articulate. While this is happening the small group of white people slowly start to leave with police on bikes escorts. It’s weird how it dissolves so quickly. But before it dissolves completely my POC police bud turns to me and says, “I’m Filipino and you’re Japanese people occupied and murdered my people during WWII”. And he turned and left. Holy shit. “b,b,but that was the empire of Japan not the people of Japan”, I whimper as he walks away. Damn. Stumped by The Man again.

Really though what I took away from that whole incident was why were all the people who were protesting the young white supremacists all brown? Shouldn’t it be the good white people of conscious out there taking the heat for them. Like being an ally and not making brown people interact with the police and put themselves in further jeopardy than they already are by just being brown at a May Day rally? Come on crackers. Get out of those wrappers and get in the damn struggle.

Anyway, I know these crackers aren’t officially chips but since I’m the official reviewer of chips I’ll let me slide on this one. Only because these crackers really set the bar for my texture preference. It’s like I didn’t know what real texture was until I ate these crackers. Everything before these crackers was cheese whiz. Its like sugar in tea. It’s like my sister always says, “like em, you’ll try em”.

Chip Review #1

It’s a bit foolish to start with the best of the best. It’s like eating ecstasy before you ever smoke a joint. I never did ecstasy but I always heard it ruins sex. No dude simultaneous orgasms in the movies did that. It’s like going to your first basketball game and getting the $2000 VIP tickets and having bottomless champagne and hanging out in Jay Zs bar and be 10 yards away from the beautiful basketball men before you ever sit in the nosebleeds. So I stand mistaken having my first chip review be of a chocolate bar with potato chips inside that motherfucker! Where do you go from there? How do you top that wedding in your mouth? I am a crisp kettle cooked potato chip walking down the aisle. I am Jack’s Inflamed Sense of Deliciousness. So don’t expect too much if anything from any other chip review I may or may not do. And if white supremacist capitalist patriarchy created this combo well then I turn my black flag in for old glory. I mean do you think they’d come up with this shit in communist Cuba? Where’s their inspiration? For reals though this shit cost $6 at REI so you’re better off saving it for a special occasion. Like right after you smoke a joint.